What Did I Love More – My Belly or My Baby?

“How can a mother even come up with this title let alone write a blog post on it!”

I know this title would give a ‘Aw!’ feeling to many. However, what I write here is truth and perhaps, many new mothers may as well share this strange truth with me.

Pregnancy was the most beautiful time of my life. Like all mothers, I fantasized too that post delivery, having my baby close to me would surpass all the joys of those pregnant days. The little one was born. Undoubtedly, when he held my fingers on the first day, heavens descended down into my being. No matter  how many ever times I glanced at his face, it was never enough. I only wanted to peep one more time. But what could not be ignored amidst this new-found joy was that I was missing my pregnancy.

If you ask me what I missed exactly, I am afraid I have an answer to it. During those initial days when morning sickness sickened me, all I wanted was a fast forward to my due date. Ironically, at that time a friend who was nearing her labour day wrote this to me:

“I feel I should be pregnant forever. As days are getting closer, I don’t want to let the baby out of me, it’s such an intimate feeling between the mother and the baby and more than that am being pampered like anything….too much of love and care!”

I only thought that everybody is strange in their own ways.

And today, I know what she meant!

It’s difficult to point exactly what I did not want to let go of my pregnancy. I keep asking myself,

“Was it the big belly that I was fond of?”

Definitely, I loved carrying it everywhere I went around!

“Or the flutters, rolls and stretches I felt from inside?”

Oh, it was exciting even on the D-day! I often tried to do the counting as the gynaec advised. But every time, I got lost in those amazing moments and never realized where I left my counting.

“Or may be my health and energy?”

Why not! I was at the best of my health and energy in those months. For the first time in whole of my life, I never missed a meal. I really NEVER missed! Because I know I was growing a new life in me!

“Or was it just that I was afraid of missing the pampering around?”

Could be. My mother didn’t mind giving up her favourite pillow for my comfort. My husband didn’t mind having the left overs of the lunch for dinner. My in-laws didn’t allow me to do even the slightest of movements. The neighbour aunty kept a check on me now and then when my husband was away from town. Every guest, every visitor did the hospitality for me. Even the stranger at the railway station forced me to hand over my luggage to her!

“Or was I possessive of my baby?”

May be not possessive truly. However, he was the closest to me. I didn’t have to share him with anyone.  I kept him safe and was not afraid of anyone or anything hurting him. I was his proud owner. I was his world!

Or all these could be mere logical reasoning. Perhaps, it’s an unexplainable melancholy after the separation of my baby from me!

When I expressed my grief to an adorable ex-boss of mine, she wrote to me:

“Post delivery is a very emotional period and we go through all sorts of emotions…I have been there too! But soon you will have no time even to handle your emotions because the little bundle of joy will keep you so busy that all you’d want to do is get a couple of hours sleep. And you’d definitely be disappointed if you expect your big bundle of joy to share your emotions because he also must be struggling with this big change. A lot of men act indifferent during this period”.

And it’s that last statement for which I had to write this blog post. Though my husband could not relate too well, he definitely did not dismiss my emotion. He constantly encouraged me to divert my attention on the new little guy.

To men:

It’s certainly difficult to understand this weird behaviour of her’s (not that you understood the other ones ). But there’s really something in it when so many other women feel the same way. Don’t ever give her that ‘you are a mad’ look. Instead give the new angel into her hands. And speak of the times when you both were envisaging his arrival.

Sometimes, there comes a feeling of guilt, “What did I love more – My belly or My baby?” though I know it’s a silly question. It feels as if this can get better but may not pass ever completely. Sometimes, I try to relive my pregnancy; what he felt like in my belly – it’s simply the most beautiful feeling in the world! But ultimately, it’s over now and no matter how many ever times a woman gets pregnant again, it has to get over one day. Like all other phases of life, this shall also pass away!

To other woman:

Relive those memories as long as it keeps you good. When it crosses into grief, know it’s time to let go.

Last night, my little heart grieved one more time. And when I woke up today, I received this song from him .

To my dearest mom,

U sang songs inviting me to be your child

U welcomed me for a 40 weeks journey with the greatest joy ever

Though you faced hardships in the journey with every road

Yet u showed displeasure never.

U ate things which you do not like

For me to be in the pink of health

Oh Pink! Though the stuff you bought for me were all alike

I loved them from my heart in stealth.

I cannot find a word to describe the way you care for me

All I wanna say is ‘I LOVE YOU FROM DEEP INSIDE OF ME’.

HAPPY MOM’s DAY MUMMY .

(Certainly he was not born singing. His papa gave his voice from behind)

A wonderful MOTHER’S DAY to all Mothers!!!

Photo Courtesy: http://www.modernmom.com

Related articles

• What I Loved About Pregnancy (bbwaters.wordpress.com)
• don’t-worry-be-happy mother’s day (bringingupbuddhas.com)
• The Belly Pat (rissawilder.wordpress.com)
• Team Baby (ohhhbabydotcom.wordpress.com)

The Secret of the Nagas – A Book Review

Read book review of Immortals of Meluha here.

If you haven’t read ‘The Immortals of Meluha‘ yet, then you are too early for this page. Immortals of Meluha was more than a fiction, more than a mythology and definitely more than a time-pass read. It’s last page left us all eager to know the consequences of Naga’s attempt to kidnap Sati. And here I am, having completed its sequel ‘The secret of the Nagas’, eagerly waiting for the release of ‘The oath of the Vayuputras’.

Though there was a few months’ lapse in my starting with the second book, I had no memory problem in remembering the roles of the characters, what a vikarma meant and where exactly were the main characters on the then map of India. I didn’t have to search the pages of the first one even once. No, not because of my memory! If you’ve been affected by the thrill of the first book, you’ll know because of what.

The secret of the Nagas involves travels and voyages through land, sea and forest that Shiva and His crew takes in search of the cruel Nagas. Like how there came about an unexpected turning point when He reached the Chandravanshi place, there is yet another twist that He finds at the Naga place. However, we would not know what exactly it is until the last of the trilogy series gets released All that we get amused about, or even perhaps shocked about in this book is to know who the Nagas are. With a few touching pages, Amish has explored again the concepts of good and evil in the beautiful narrations. Lord Rudra gets highlighted this time.

• You’ll find that the Neelkanth is more popular and respected now, so much respected that none could be His enemy (including the Nagas!)
• His confusions about what His destiny is, though not resolved, begins to get into shape.
• His perceptions of good and evil, again though not clear, undergoes  in-depth understandings through the Vasudevs.
• His nightmares continue to persist.
• And there comes a new light about His past tribal life.

Initially I assumed the second part wasn’t as gripping as the first. That was just a prejudice of a reader holding a sequel! Now, The Immortals of Meluha doesn’t seem important at all, at least not as much as The oath of the Vayuputras is In case you feel the same way, wait until the crew reaches Kashi, the plot gets heated up from this point. And from the place Icchawar, I did an over night read. You cannot dare to sleep with so much of suspense in your brain.

The plot moves faster, as fast as to cross a couple of years in a chapter’s part. And so would any reader. Yet another book worth spending time with. No wonder the third is awaiting welcome!

Photo Courtesy

The Secret of the Nagas – Wikipedia

5 Cooking Lessons I learnt from my Husband – Ancient Secrets 1

There could have been many other themes to write about for my first post after wedding. But what comes to my mind instantly when I think about the last few months is cooking – for that’s what I had explored the greater part and that’s what had filled-in my time and attention too.

If you guessed my H is a good cook after reading the title, you’re wrong! To tell you the truth, he makes horrible dosas and probably just fairly good at chutneys (depends on his luck, not every time though) and rice (that’s because our cooker does a great job). Nevertheless, however, but, still, yet – I admire him for his theoretical kitchen knowledge most of which has been eye openers in my cooking history! Check them, could open your eyes as well

Beauty: Evolving and Revolving!

‘Nandhini, if you wouldn’t take it personal, I have to make this comment about people of Tamilnadu’.

‘Yes?’

‘Man, what’s beautiful to those oldies out there?’

‘???’

‘The old people admire and appreciate the beauty of some girls. Well, you know how those beauties were! Of dark complexion, some were really pitch-black! Old-fashioned dressing….oiled and tightly combed hair…… unimaginably gaudy coloured clothes……please tell me, how on damn Earth can they appear beautiful to somebody’s eyes?

A wretched-looking colleague was once desperate to get this resolved Being a non-resident Tamilian, it’s common to listen to such comments from people of other states and see how they get mad at the lifestyles of Tamilnadu. No offense, dear Tamilians. I am one, after all

No matter how much I could explain about what we call as kalai (a term with more of an aesthetic sense than beauty), he could get nowhere near in identifying the beauty in Tamil girls. I only thought whosoever had said ‘what would be ugly in a garden constitutes beauty in a mountain’ should have been a Tamilian in his previous life (It’s Victor Hugo, by the way).

What really is beautiful then? I have met hundreds of people through all these years. When I think about the faces which I had admired with open mouth, there was something warm which all these faces have communicated to me beyond their features. As a kid, fairy tale character Cinderella appeared beautiful to me. Probably because she was shown as an embodiment of love and she could never hurt others. When I was in school, my English teacher was beautiful to me. She was dark, she was fat, she was short – but she was polite with a charming smile. Now I reflect that the silent crush I had had for Oliver Twist and Robin Hood must have been a result of her passionate narrations

In my teens, a girl I used to meet at the tuitions was explicitly beautiful to me. She had lovely features and was a heart-throb to many guys. Yet there was an amazing simplicity in her gestures and a profound kindness in her looks.

In college, there was an irresistible pull to admire a hostel mate’s face – it should have been the constant cheerfulness she radiated.

While I was living on my own, the unassuming confidence in a roommate attracted my senses to take a look at her again and again. So, that’s how beauty has evolved in my mind – from love to kindness to simplicity to cheerfulness to confidence. 

I really don’t know if I’ve admired men faces as much as women’s. There must have been few, let me give a try. The school pupil leader’s was a charming face to me. He was stern and unbending to girls. Perhaps, his genuinity gave that charm to his face in my mind. Hardly there are other faces which stand out in terms of beauty. Why is beauty not in sync with you men?

But I should admit that men who admire beauty be in girls or in other things appear beautiful Yes, their sense of admiration makes them beautiful to me. I don’t refer in being handsome. That’s like a girl being pretty. But not all handsome guys and pretty girls need to be beautiful, agree? So beauty in men has only evolved in me from being genuine to being admirers, I can add honesty too.

A thing of beauty is a joy forever! As a little girl, rich colours in flowers, in ornaments, in clothes, in pictures penetrated deep into me. And the full moon against the dark sky and traditionally dressed idols in temples gave me a fascinating joy.

          As I grew up, the intricacies in sculptures and carvings, the realism in paintings, the grace in bharatanatyam and odyssey, an open-hearted writing of an author, the conceptualization in some movies – they all have reminded me of what beauty is! The evolution of beauty in things was from little joys to magnificient art forms.

Beauty beyond my eyes? Water was beautiful to me as a child. It was beautiful when the first drops of rain touched my face!

       A walnut brownie cake + a scoop of vanilla ice cream + fried cashew nuts + a spoon of hot chocolate – you know how it feels when this combo reaches my tongue? Well, it feels heaven! Not exaggerating but every time I have a hot chocolate fudge, I feel a sense of gratitude to life.

A romantic melody which touches my soul deep, the chillness hitting hard on my face while travelling near the window seat, the smell of hotel dosai, chutney, sambhar while waiting for food (I told you I am a Tamilian ) – were a proof for the existence of beauty beyond my eyes!

This post would feel incomplete without remembering the beauty in feelings – in the many feelings of love and life. As a child, the feeling of security with my mother, the feeling of togetherness with my sister, caring and sharing with friends, of bhakthi and divinity with God, of companionship with many others, of passion and elation with work, of peace and harmony with destiny, of love and trust with everything else and all of the above with that chosen one for me - it’s only such intangible realities that make my perception of beauty complete. 

What I’ve admired as beauty – in women, in men, in things, in feelings, and in all other various forms, has been always evolving and I am sure it continues to evolve. Well, it does so to every one of us too. And what makes each one of us apart are the individualistic values. Whatever our values are rooted on, be it, kindness, complexion, attitude – our perception of beauty keeps revolving too on the same grounds. Remember, the wretched-looking guy is never going to understand how beautiful Tamil girls are

And my last note:

Evolving and revolving, beauty can make or break this world. As you read this post, introspect for a while what values you hold for yourself. There is nothing exclusive as real beauty. The more pleasant our values evolve to, the more we will begin to recognize the beautiful things around us and within us. And we all will one day realize that it’s compassion which can make humanity as a whole BEAUTIFUL!  And as we all realize that, our topic would have evolved from ‘What is real beauty to me’ to ‘All that is around me is beautiful’

Thanks to Indiblogger and Yahoo! Dove Real Beauty. I could not have spent a better time to recollect all that had been beautiful so far. 

You can reach me at nandhini.pfs@gmail.com

Photo Courtesy

Cinderella - http://media.onsugar.com

Tulips – http://www.wallpaper4u.org

Rain – http://www.trulygraphics.com

Love - http://api.ning.com

Coffe(H)E Lov(H)ERS – A Valentine’s Day Special!

A lot can happen over coffee. Though Cafe Coffee Day claims so, there’s been happening a lot over our Rs.10 by 2 coffees too. Note my new philosophy: coffee leads to enlightenment

I should say I am privileged to be a member of 2 coffee-drinking groups at my work place – a She(s)-only group and a He(s)-only group. (Don’t worry about what I am doing in the second group because none of us do either ) And the memberships’ outcome?? That I’ve become eligible to write the Part II of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus Well guys, just keep your hearts light and see what I’ve discovered over coffees with my He-She club members.

Sip 1. Top on their Minds???

The He-Club: The city traffic and as such the whole Bangalore infrastructure needs a revolution. Ok. There’s this new app in the android market for downloads. Ok. With 5 years experience his CTC should be this much. Period! Ok. Yesterday’s cricket ……blah..blah..blah (Blah for me as I don’t understand the cricket language). Ok. The market’s terribly down, bad situation. Ok. Weather is too bad to do anything. Ok.

The Me: It’s always an Ok in-between, they don’t agree/disagree or comment much about each other’s views). I like that. And every He thinks he knows everything about every politics, sports and city. (Do they actually, I doubt ) Nevertheless, they make me feel that I am talking to experts

The She-Club: Shopping. Clothing. Family. Mother-in-laws. Celebrities. Recipes. Husbands. Savings. Movies. School life. College days. Health. Other’s boyfriends. Songs. Weddings. Crushes. Orkut. Sarees. Children. Vegetables. Handbags. Nail polish. Jewellery. Shoes. Hair colouring. Photographs. Gas connection. Washing socks. Babies. Hair straightening. Mothers. Guys. TV serials. Weather. Roomates. BMTC buses. Dreams. Cousins. Facebook. Books. Sleep. SMS Jokes. Colleagues. Intuitions. Sisters. Fitness………Believe me all over a single coffee!

The Me: Sounds too much? They are! And when one leaves a small gap, the other picks up and the chain continues non-stop. Varieties and spontaneity - I love them(us) for this

Sip 2. Deep love for???

The She-Club: Mother-In-Laws: No, they absolutely cannot survive without remembering their MILs! MILs occupy so much of their brain space that I sometimes wonder if they were married to the mother-in-laws or the husbands And by all their descriptions, I could only imagine MILs as inspector generals inspecting every inch of their homes every fortnight Such is their never-ending love for MILs all the time. And if at all we, unmarried girls got a chance to speak in between, it was because we spoke about our sisters’ mother-in-laws

The Me: Two women in love with the same man – Is it that bad? Well, they tell me that I am still innocent to understand why mother-in-laws have to be mother-in-flaws all the time. They also tell me it requires to be married to get enlightened on that. So, fingers crossed, waiting for my lady-love

The He-Club: Bosses: I didn’t know men too grieve about other people. But there is a difference. They grieve with dignity. Especially if its a She-boss, there’s always a Mike Tyson jumping inside their brains boxing at her though in reality they behave absolutely gentle with their royal Queens

The Me: I support them earnestly. She-bosses are tougher than their wives

Sip 3.   Second Love for???

The She-Club: Their Maids!

The He-club: Politicians!

Sip 4.   Monday Mornings???

The She-Club: So they reached home on Friday evening…..Had dinner outside in the Italian Restaurant…..Slept well…..Woke up late on Saturday…..Husband’s breakfast felt better than their’s….Thinking about what to wear to the mall….Clothes spinning in the washing machine…..Hus watching cricket….Irritating…..Still deciding what to wear….Had to hurry for a bath…..At last got a kurta to wear on a jean……Quick lunch ready……Oops….didn’t realize kurta had to be given for dry cleaning…..Next change now…..Hus is restless…..Another kurta but matching earings missing….Hus is in tension now…..Somehow made to the mall…..First shop…..pretty jewelery set but expensive, didn’t buy…..Second shop……Favourite pink colour top but not fitting, didn’t buy……Third shop…..please excuse my memory after this for Saturday….Sunday began…..Hus’s friend came home…..Irritating….Had to be taken to sister’s house as a compensation…..Sis got a pretty blue saree….Sis’ mother-in-law wasn’t happy about it…..Had dinner…..Reached home…..How bad! Weekend was over

Uuf! This was their brief weekend

The He-Club: Hahn bhai, weekend was good!

This was their weekend in brief

The Me: The She-club sounded interesting until Saturday evening. After that I fell in for an attention deficit in between but I came back just in time when the mother-in-law part was being played, luckily that was the end of the reel The He-club – Do they have a weekend-specific amnesia?

Sip 5.   Their Spouses???

The She-Club: They simply enjoy going on and on and on about their husbands, be it on anything. And every time I hear about them, somehow this feeling of  ”poor fellow” gets attached

The He-Club: I sometimes doubt if they really live with their wives. Wives are kept so secretive. They don’t spill a word about them. Can somebody please tell me why?

Sip 6.   Humour???

The She-Club: Coffee spills. Giggle. Fingers hurt. Giggle. Tissue paper flying away. Now gigg….giggl…..lau…..LAUGH!

The Me: They don’t need a reason to giggle, they do at almost any normal stuff. A lot of Oh My Ghoshs, eeks, sheeshs, woos, wows and high-pitched squeals of delight – it’s all N-O-R-M-A-L!

The He-Club: Coffee spills. Never mind. Fingers hurt. It happens. Tissue paper flying away. Well, let’s take another one.

The Me: Especially somebody like me with a V.V.poor laughing threshold, it’s embarrassing to laugh aloud amidst these morons. I will have to cut on my laughter in the middle way every time to stay dignified

Sip 7.   Silence???

The She-Club: Silence can only be a phantasy! If at all it happens even for few seconds, it means something’s terribly wrong

The He-Club: It’s not unusual. Probably that’s when they take time to look at women And after few sips of deep thinking, someone remembers the newspaper headlines and then it’s all greek for me

Sip 8.   Guys/Girls???

The She-Club: That blue-checks guy is handsome? Well, it’s declared openly. And all are open to have a look at him and voice their opinions on this. That tall guy is really tall? Everybody is signaled not to turn and look. Everybody understands the signal. And everybody turn at once to admire his height Believe me, I love girls (us) for this.  And the next day it doesn’t matter if the blue checks comes in red stripes, their memory is strong enough to spot them out.

The He-Club: All men like pretty women! They sip their coffees as though they are unmindful of the girl, but I can see their eyes following And there are no open declarations here. Probably because there’s still a girl amongst them or pertaining to the fact that ALL our He-club members are married Hes.  There’s one more thing here. Though pretty girls are liked, they all have a problem with female faces which are slightly overly painted. They give a look as though the girl sitting across’ pink mascara is impairing their visions. I sometimes worry if my matching-matching earrings and bangles irritate them

Sip 9.   Gossips???

The She-Club: In their genes! From far if you want to spot out a gossip, watch for this: At once all the girls will leave their relaxed posture and converge their heads towards the centre with shining eyes – it means something’s going on  I especially love the facial expressions and the hand movements attached to it. And they just don’t care who’s being damaged and what’s being damaged, sometimes it’s like character assassinations And the best thing I enjoy in the She-club!

The He-Club: Before I joined this club, I assumed men are innocent and don’t do this stuff. C’mon girls, they aren’t! It’s just that they don’t make an apparent move towards the centre. And their hands don’t move. Otherwise totally functioning in their genes too, accompanied by a wicked smile

Sip 10.   Now who pays the bill???

The She-Club: Realistic! See everybody works hard to earn a penny. So be just, take a calculator and let’ do some mathematics

The He-Club: Whichever wallet comes out first! C’mon, I carry a wallet too

So what’s the over-all enlightenment?

With the She-club, I see the little girl in me popping out with bubbles of giggles and gossips. And with the He-club, I see the mature professional woman in me carrying herself with poise and dignity (Do I??). And which one do you think I prefer?

I love both of these!

Too much little girl will make me insane. And too much dignity would make me serious. I enjoy playing both the characters – complementing and completing each other. That’s why I started this post saying that I am privileged.

So folks, let’s acknowledge our differences though belonging to the same species and celebrate a wonderful Valentine’s Day

Thankful to all the He(s) and She(s) – you all have helped me discover the ME in me. Special thanks to Nabeel for coming up with this title (Yes, a member of the He-Club)!

And as I always say, add-ons are welcome!

(Guess, the longest post I’ve ever written. Excuse me for that).

Photo Courtesy

Coffee Lovers – http://www.deviantart.com

 

Donate a Toy at Toybank – Small Deed Great Need # 11

Read Small Deed Great Need # 10

One of the favourite television advertisements in the recent days was Johnson & Johnson‘s ‘share the language of love’. It was an effort organized in the month of May 2012 to collect used toys from common people at informed stores on informed dates. The collected toys were then distributed to needy children.

Food, used clothes, donations are what I have heard of being contributed to orphanages and NGOs.

Toys are new and meaningful! It’s indeed their right to play!

Of Ex-Loves and Why-Loves – I

Of Ex-loves:

(X 1) Never proposed ?

(X 2) Proposed and rejected ?

(X 3) Proposed, accepted and broken ?

(X 4) Proposed, accepted, unbroken but couldn’t marry ?

Of Why-loves:

(Y 1) Proposed and accepted but regretting both ?

(Y 2) Proposed, accepted, regretting both but couldn’t prevent marriage ?

(Y 3) Proposed, accepted, regretting both, married and extra-marital ?

(Probably, I should include another here)

 Of Zed-loves:

(Z 1) Scared of X and Y stories and never attempted any of the above ?

If I could tap my memories from school days for such stories, my brain cells would get exhausted. So would any of yours! But the truth is, it’s all happening to several in the world even as you read this and shall continue to happen for centuries to come.

To dig the pasts with the beginning of a new day is wicked, I understand. However, the culprit is the name Roy. He triggered my stupid little brain to bring up this theme to the surface today

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Who is Roy?

God’s Reasons!

I couldn’t control my fingers clicking on this painting. Otherwise I am little lazy to open these kind of long posts on the FB wall. And thankfully I didn’t stop with admiring this painting. This beautiful message, though not a new one for many of us, gives a warm understanding towards life every time  it’s read, time and again. Do read till the end.

Me: God, can I ask You a question?
God: Sure
Me: Promise You won’t get mad
God: I promise
Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today?
God: What do u mean?
Me: Well, I woke up late
God: Yes
Me: My car took forever to start
God: Okay
Me: at lunch they made my sandwich wrong & I had to wait
God: Hmmmmm
Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call
God: All right
Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home ~I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massager & relax. BUT it wouldn’t work!!! Nothing went right today! Why did You do that?

My magical love affair!

Did you think it’s about my magical love affair? It is certainly not! But well, sort of

I recently happened to read this blog My magical love affair with the orange beauty posted by hollow bamboo in his blog Alas….Bloggin. Well, an interesting and impressive writing and hence gets re-posted here.

From time immemorial poets and romantic freaks have described women in comparison with flowers, moon, colours, sun, sky, rain, butterflies, breeze and all the beautiful things that man can admire. However, here is a guy who has compared and described a thing of his fondness with women. In the sense, his main subject of interest is the thing of his fondness and the object that is compared with is woman, making women secondary. Nevertheless he has made total justice to women by his passionate expressions towards the thing of his fondness.

What could be that thing of his fondness?

My Conversation with Kolors

How can holi not remind us of colours?

This is one festival I enjoy seeing people celebrating. Marking the beginning of spring, it feels as if holi comes to announce that the rich colourful flowers all around us are awaiting to blossom. And my most treasured holi celebration was during my internship at National Brain Research Centre, Gurgaon. I was given no warning of how holi is celebrated in this campus.